#Covidtime Log Day 01102021:
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve. Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more? (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
We always remember the first part of that quote, but we forget about the second part. We can love people with our whole hearts and try to show them they deserve so much more love than they have accepted in the past. But, if they haven't healed that wound, whatever that wound is, we can't. We can't make them know that they deserve more. Not if they aren't ready to accept more.
What's the best way that I can say this? I know that I deserve more, too. I know that I deserve to be with someone certain they want to be with me. I'm 46 years old and I know what I want, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to just mess around and play with people's hearts. And I'm not looking for a place holder till I meet, "The One." I'm looking for someone who I want to invest my time and energy into. Someone with who I can feel emotionally safe. Someone who doesn't get scared and runs away when things get scary or hard. Because it inevitably will get scary and hard. It always does. Human beings are complex creatures and as we get older, we only come with more lived experiences and triggers. Even though we start new relationships with new people the old recordings and memories can keep us from moving forward. It's unfortunate, but it happens.
My lesson for this past month has been about embracing rejection and learning from it. Rejection provides us the opportunity for self-reflection and self-healing. We are still in a pandemic and seeking permanent employment in my chosen field hasn't been very successful. In the past, I've never had problems finding work, so I think this has affected my ego more than I've been willing to admit. I know who I am. I am not my job. It may surprise people to know sometimes I have doubts about my resume or my abilities. Both, in work and life. Who doesn't?
What I've been saying to people is that I'm not looking for any job. And in my romantic life, I’m not looking for just any person. I'm trying to find the right fit for me. Right now. Future employers or women who want to date me don't know how great I can be if I’m not given the opportunity to prove my worth and value and how much I can contribute to both a company and to a person's life.
I always say, invest as much time in finding the right person as you do with a job. Because you will spend just as much time with that person as you would a job. Think about it, you're planning to spend your life with that person. Make sure they are the right person and the right fit for you. Moreover, be willing to walk away if it's not the right fit for you. Be confident in your potential. Be confident in your value. Be confident in knowing that you deserve love. You deserve more love than you have ever accepted in the past.
Be well. Stay safe. Take care.
Death Happens
#Covidtime2021 Log Day: 01042021
I was having a conversation with my friend Kimi from California. We were talking about our friend who passed away unexpectedly in 2020 (not from COVID). She said that what she realized is that 2021 will be a year that our friend Chicken won't ever get to experience, it'll be the first year that they won't be part of. It gave her pause and made her very sad. It also made me a little depressed to think how true that is. There are many people in my life and just the loved one's of 352,000 people who died from COVID (at the time this post was written) that won't be here with us to experience 2021. I've been thinking a lot about what my intentions are for 2021. I did a lot of self-reflection and healing in 2020, but healing isn't a one-time thing.
The conversation about our friend made me start to think about my mom. My mom's one year death anniversary will be on February 20th and in our culture we do a whole ritual that leads up to that day. I think the way that my culture celebrates and remembers our ancestors helps us to embrace death. I miss my mom a lot, but I also know that she's not in pain anymore. Watching someone take their last breath is something that sticks with you, forever. Especially, if that person is someone you care for and loved. I wondered about the healthcare workers this past year who had to be there for their COVID patients last breath. I remember my mom looking at me and in her eyes she seemed to be asking me to help her. And, I felt helpless knowing there wasn't anything I could do to help her other than be there with her as she passed.
It's complicated. The feelings and emotions that overwhelmed me in that moment. In the realization that she wasn't there anymore. It's indescribable. I think I haven't really fully processed it.
It made me empathize with my friend who's an ICU nurse who says that this whole COVID thing has been a nightmare. That she feels numb and she'd like to go to work without feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. Can you imagine the fear in the eyes of these patients as they know they are taking their last breath and begging you to help them, knowing they're trying, but everything they're doing isn't enough. I try to be there for my friend. I know she's going to need years of therapy to heal from the trauma of this global pandemic. Maybe we all will need more therapy after this is all said and done.
Updated: Dec 4, 2020
#Covidtime Blog Reboot
Sometimes life happens and then a global pandemic hits and gives you lots more time on your hands to dedicate to a blog about your navel gazing life outtakes.
Why Flannel Diaries?
There is a long-running joke among my friends about my wardrobe entirely consist only plaid flannel long sleeve shirts. That's not true. It also consists of short-sleeve plaid shirts for the warmer spring and summer months. It is what it is, and I like what I like. Moreover, I look good in plaid. Butch lesbians are also known to be recognized in the wild by their flannel plaid shirts. Not everyone that wears flannel is a butch lesbian, it's a stereotype, more often than not every butch lesbian owns a flannel. There is a level of truth behind all stereotypes. Don't take my word for it. Look in their closet.
I've always had unique experiences when it comes to dating because I think I just have a unique way of looking at life. As I navigate my middle ages as an out single-gender-nonconforming cis-female butch presenting person. I've thought it was always a good idea to chronicle my adventures or misadventures more like it when it came to dating.
Thanks for reading and thank you for following me. You can follow us on our social media pages at Twitter and on Facebook. Cheers!
Let your plaid flannel freak flag fly!