Flannel Covidtime Diaries: New Year 2021
Death Happens
#Covidtime2021 Log Day: 01042021
I was having a conversation with my friend Kimi from California. We were talking about our friend who passed away unexpectedly in 2020 (not from COVID). She said that what she realized is that 2021 will be a year that our friend Chicken won't ever get to experience, it'll be the first year that they won't be part of. It gave her pause and made her very sad. It also made me a little depressed to think how true that is. There are many people in my life and just the loved one's of 352,000 people who died from COVID (at the time this post was written) that won't be here with us to experience 2021. I've been thinking a lot about what my intentions are for 2021. I did a lot of self-reflection and healing in 2020, but healing isn't a one-time thing.
The conversation about our friend made me start to think about my mom. My mom's one year death anniversary will be on February 20th and in our culture we do a whole ritual that leads up to that day. I think the way that my culture celebrates and remembers our ancestors helps us to embrace death. I miss my mom a lot, but I also know that she's not in pain anymore. Watching someone take their last breath is something that sticks with you, forever. Especially, if that person is someone you care for and loved. I wondered about the healthcare workers this past year who had to be there for their COVID patients last breath. I remember my mom looking at me and in her eyes she seemed to be asking me to help her. And, I felt helpless knowing there wasn't anything I could do to help her other than be there with her as she passed.
It's complicated. The feelings and emotions that overwhelmed me in that moment. In the realization that she wasn't there anymore. It's indescribable. I think I haven't really fully processed it.
It made me empathize with my friend who's an ICU nurse who says that this whole COVID thing has been a nightmare. That she feels numb and she'd like to go to work without feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally abused. Can you imagine the fear in the eyes of these patients as they know they are taking their last breath and begging you to help them, knowing they're trying, but everything they're doing isn't enough. I try to be there for my friend. I know she's going to need years of therapy to heal from the trauma of this global pandemic. Maybe we all will need more therapy after this is all said and done.
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