#Covidtime Log Day 02152021:
I've taken a pause from the dating, but have started to consider getting back on the dating app horse. Is that even a good metaphor? Probably not but we'll go with it. What I have recently discovered in my middle-agedness is that every time I date someone and it doesn't work out my standards elevate. I don't really need to be in a relationship because I am a completely whole and loveable being on my own. I do enjoy the company of women, and relationships do have lots of health benefits. I have always enjoyed being a partner to someone and I'm quite good company. You can ask any of my friends. You can ask most of my exes and they'd tell you, I was a really good girlfriend until I wasn't. Usually when we're heading towards a breakup and then I'm just a selfish prick. I can totally own that and admit that breakups are hard. Is there a good way to break a person's heart? Probably not, but I think just being honest and hurting them quickly it's neither painless or ideal but probably the most compassionate way to go.
I feel like anything involving other people and their feelings is just a difficult minefield to navigate. I've had relationships/situationships flip so quickly I didn't know which way was up sometimes and probably had been dumped or ghosted before I even had my first cup of coffee. Woow. Let's take a breath.
I know who I am, I know what I want, and I won't settle for just anyone or any relationship. Saying all that my problem isn't finding people to date. Finding the right person for me to date has been the quest of a lifetime. I know she's out there. Hiding, obviously.
As one of my friends told me I've aged really well, and that she thinks I'm a much better version of myself today than I was a year ago. I was kind of having a nervous breakdown a year ago. Not my best look. Nevertheless, things have to be destroyed for there to be space to build something new. Something better.
As I grow older I start to settle more into the person I am becoming. I have less patients for foolishness. For other people's emotional trauma they ignore or refuse to work on. I got my own stuff I'm trying to heal. Do not expect me to be your savior or your healer. I'm not a Dungeons & Dragons Wizard. You are your own savior. You are your own healer. If there is someone out there who is willing to confront their own demons and can say, "is that all you got?" I want to meet you. I am an amazing person. If you want me to show you love. If you want me to cherish you, adore you, and choose you everyday, you better bring it. Because if you don't the Universe has a funny way of removing people from your life who arn't deserving of you or your time.
I'm done messing around with trifling people. If people can't meet you where you are than those aren't your people. Just saying.
Dating apps. I'll think about it tomorrow.
Updated: Feb 6, 2021
#Covidtime Log Day 02052021
My friend Kimi likes to say, "Taking back an ex is like trying to shove poop back up your butt." However, I don't see people as poop, but I understand her sentiment. She thinks people who act like giant turd humans should not be allowed back into your life. I see people as flawed and broken humans who have lots of inner work to complete. How we choose to treat people is how we learned to treat people from our families. Particularly our parents. I believe when you're healing, like truly trying to get healthy, the Universe helps you by removing people from your life. People who may be toxic and hindering your self growth. And sometimes you’re the toxic person who needs to be removed from other people's lives. That's a thing too.
I've known Kimi for a long time since I was 25. We were reminiscing about one New Year's Eve and it was the beginning of a new relationship for her -- now ex -- of many years. We were at my friends house for a NYE gathering and as midnight was rolling around Kimi mentioned that this woman was at a Club in SF. I think Fairy Butch. It was a group of us and we decided you know what, let's go to the club, and then you can kiss her at midnight. We were romantics back then and I think we had just watched Notting Hill. We were already in the City, we just had to figure out if we could get across SF in time to get into the Club in time. I think my friend Tess was driving at the time and she said she could get us there. Trust her. IF you've been to SF getting across town on NYE is no small feet. I mean it could take a good hour if you get stuck in traffic and SF is only 7 miles long. I don't know exactly what time we left my friend's party, but I know that we were cutting it close. I think we just got to the club, let Kimi out so she could get in line, we parked, and got inside probably a few minutes before midnight. Now all Kimi had to do was find her in this packed club. Lol.
You'd be happy to know that they did find each other and were able to kiss as the ball dropped. I'm thinking the year is 2004/05. They stayed together for 8 years, however their breakup was terrible. When are breakups not? Just because we have happy memories with someone isn't a good reason to forget why you are no longer together. And sometimes people separate because they just aren't ready for each other and that's okay, too.
Don't stay where you're not wanted. Don't beg for someone to take you back. You're better than that. You deserve to be with someone who will cherish you and fall in love with you over and over again. You deserve someone who'll race across the city to kiss you at midnight on NYE. Because you're the prize! You are the star of your movie!
Updated: Feb 16, 2021
#Covidtime Log Day: 02012021
”I want history to remember me not just as the first black woman to be elected to Congress, not as the first black woman to have made a bid for the presidency of the United States, but as a black woman who lived in the 20th century and dared to be herself.” – Shirley Chisholm
"Shirley Anita Chisholm was an American politician, educator, and author who is best known for becoming the first African-American congresswoman in 1968. Chisholm represented the New York State in the U.S. House of Representatives for seven terms." (https://everydaypower.com/shirley-chisholm-quotes/)
It is #BlackHistoryMonth and to celebrate we need to uplift the voices of Black people. There are a lot of great Black Civil Rights activists who've said amazing things that bring to light the sheer inequality that confronts Black people today. We must always remember our history or we are doomed to repeat it or just never learn from it.
I think we are afraid to be who we truly are because if folx disapprove of the person we choose to show up as in the world it would crush us. But, if we pretend to be all the things the world wants us to be then we will get society's approval. We will achieve our goals of being liked and then feel a sense of belonging. But, do we want to belong to a group or society who does not accept our full and authentic selves?
There is so much toxicity in our society because we have been taught to fear who we are if we are different. If we think differently. If we feel differently from everyone else. Lots of pretending. Lots of masking. Lots of faux humans.
We are society. We get to decide how to show up in the world. Be your full authentic selves and the world will just have to adjust to you not the other way around. Be who you were also meant to become.
Why it's important to lift up Black voices and celebrate Black history month!
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