Flannel Covidtime Diaries: 01.10.2021
#Covidtime Log Day 01102021:
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve. Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more? (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
We always remember the first part of that quote, but we forget about the second part. We can love people with our whole hearts and try to show them they deserve so much more love than they have accepted in the past. But, if they haven't healed that wound, whatever that wound is, we can't. We can't make them know that they deserve more. Not if they aren't ready to accept more.
What's the best way that I can say this? I know that I deserve more, too. I know that I deserve to be with someone certain they want to be with me. I'm 46 years old and I know what I want, and I know what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to just mess around and play with people's hearts. And I'm not looking for a place holder till I meet, "The One." I'm looking for someone who I want to invest my time and energy into. Someone with who I can feel emotionally safe. Someone who doesn't get scared and runs away when things get scary or hard. Because it inevitably will get scary and hard. It always does. Human beings are complex creatures and as we get older, we only come with more lived experiences and triggers. Even though we start new relationships with new people the old recordings and memories can keep us from moving forward. It's unfortunate, but it happens.
My lesson for this past month has been about embracing rejection and learning from it. Rejection provides us the opportunity for self-reflection and self-healing. We are still in a pandemic and seeking permanent employment in my chosen field hasn't been very successful. In the past, I've never had problems finding work, so I think this has affected my ego more than I've been willing to admit. I know who I am. I am not my job. It may surprise people to know sometimes I have doubts about my resume or my abilities. Both, in work and life. Who doesn't?
What I've been saying to people is that I'm not looking for any job. And in my romantic life, I’m not looking for just any person. I'm trying to find the right fit for me. Right now. Future employers or women who want to date me don't know how great I can be if I’m not given the opportunity to prove my worth and value and how much I can contribute to both a company and to a person's life.
I always say, invest as much time in finding the right person as you do with a job. Because you will spend just as much time with that person as you would a job. Think about it, you're planning to spend your life with that person. Make sure they are the right person and the right fit for you. Moreover, be willing to walk away if it's not the right fit for you. Be confident in your potential. Be confident in your value. Be confident in knowing that you deserve love. You deserve more love than you have ever accepted in the past.
Be well. Stay safe. Take care.
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