I Been Mental and Emotional Balanced
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03292020:
Mood: Woo Woo
I'm cleaning the townhouse. I was telling my friend it's like metaphorically cleansing my soul. It made me thing about the scene from "Bruce Almighty," after Bruce decides to grant everyone's prayers which creates a mess on Earth. He finds God (Morgan Freeman) and ask him to help fix the mess Bruce created by allowing everyone to have what they want (not need). God gives Bruce a mop and then once they finishing mopping God tells Bruce, "no matter how filthy something gets you can always clean it right up," Bruce responds with, "there were so many I just gave them what they wanted." God, "but, since when do people have a clue about what they want...everybody wants me to do everything for them. The truth is what they don't realize is they have the power. If you want to see a miracle, be the miracle." We have always had power in us to fix our own lives. No matter how messy it gets. A little help from your friends doesn't hurt either.
I was telling my friend on the phone that i was tired of all the people in the world who don't give a shit about other people and only about their own personal interest. Look at the mess we're in now because we have leaders who care more about the bottom line than saving humanity. That sacrificing a few people is no big deal cause it doesn't directly effect them. I don't want to be part of that negative bullshit. And then, she asked what I was planning to do next? I'm not really sure, but I know that I want to bring light back into the world (not like an electrician). But, I just want to do good work in the world and be kind to people. We are all capable of being the miracle. Now more than ever we need people to step up and be the miracle.
We also talked about dating during the time of COVIDrona19. That we need to get all Jane Austin up in here and write people poetry to woo them. Which is fine because lesbians seem to like to move quickly in relationships. As my family and friends have advised me I probably shouldn't be dating now, or ever. Perfect time for a plague.
Here's my love poem to my Social Media-fam:
It's okay to not be okay.
It's not okay to be a dick.
Don't be a dick.
Be good and kind.
I'll love you forever.
Across oceans and time.
You'll be in my heart.
So, stay smart.
Wash your hands.
You're saving lives.
Staying distant but still close.
In my thoughts and wishes.
Keep cool.
Don't be a fool.
Stay home.
When COVID is over.
I'll buy you a beer.
We can then gaze into each others faces.
Jesus, what did you do to your hair.
I ❤ you!
Cheese. 🧀
It's So Hard to Say Goodbye
#COVID19 Social Emotional Physical Distancing Log Day 030282020
Mood: Tired
I'm moving out of the townhouse I shared with my ex this weekend. Our lease finally ended, and we still had to interact (very limited) with each other for the past four months. It has been a bizarre and at times contentious tie that has binded us together even after our breakup. It's both sad and freeing to know I no longer have to communicate with her about anything. And, I would imagine she probably feels a sense of relief to not have to deal with me, ever again
Isn't it amazing how you can love someone so completely that you want to build a life with them. And then the next day they want nothing to do with you and would be perfectly happy to never see your face again. That's some messed up shit right there. I don't know. Is that really love or something else? Whatever it is it's still soul crushing and heartbreaking. Especially, when they move on so quickly as if you never really mattered or that you were that replaceable. You start to wonder if the feelings they had for you were ever truly real.
So, where does that leave me? Trying to figure out what kind of love I deserve. I don't lack for confidence or self-esteem. I live my life in a way that I don't need to put other people down to feel better about myself. If people are found wanting that's them not me. Haters gonna hate. However, this last breakup has really taken a toll on my confidence and ego. Which, is really weird for me. But, it has been an emotionally exhausting year and has taken every bit of mental fortitude I could muster to get to this place. Knowing that I am enough. And, I am becoming the person I used to be and the person I missed connecting with.
I don't like feeling anger or resentment towards people, especially towards people I once loved. Time does heal broken hearts. Not in the way we think or hope it would. I used to do an activity with students about bullying and how your words could hurt and harm or help and heal. I would have them crumple up a heart shaped piece of paper then say mean things to it, stomp it on the ground, but don't rip it. I'd then tell them to say sorry to it and then try to flatten it out and make it like it was before. I said it's impossible, right, to get back to the way it was? Imagine all those wrinkles in the paper are the mean words you said to it. You can say sorry, but you can never take back the mean words or the harm you inflicted on the other person. Like our hearts there will always be an emotional scare from the bullying words or emotional abuse. I know what I'm doing with my words and actions. I don't try to pretend otherwise. If I know I'm in the wrong the best apology I can give another person is changed behavior. I'm not perfect. But, I'm trying.
Goodbyes, suck. Change is uncomfortable. I can't go back I can only look ahead and hope for the best. And, I only hope for the best for my ex.
As above. So below.
The Past Comes to The Future
#COVID19 Social (Physical) Distancing Log Day 03272020:
Mood: I'm fine.
Shame is dangerous. It ruins lives, breaks relationships, can destroy families, and kills people. It took me a really long time to wrap my mind around the death of my friend, Asal. And the lies we tell ourselves to feel okay with how people decide to take their own lives. We have to be very honest with mental illness, with denial of being sick, of the fact that good and kind people sometimes don’t want to see the ugly truth. We miss things because; it’s what we need to do to go on with our own lives, so it doesn’t disrupt our normal. We don’t like to disrupt our “normal.” We don’t like other people’s lives, to disrupt our “happy.”
It seems that being concerned about other people's lives is the main reason we are 'sheltering-in-place,' or as Minnesota likes to call it 'stay-at-home.' Marketing wise it doesn't sound so dire when you call it something more soft and American's hate being told what to do. The fact of the matter is that even if you are a perfectly healthy individual and feel that you should be able to do whatever you want it doesn't mean that you should. When you really think about what is happening it totally goes against the idea of individualism which is the excuse people use to hurt other people. I can do what I want because it's my life. Sure, sure, you can. Until your actions and behavior hurts other people.
I was messaging a friend about our mental health and suicidal ideation and how many times we have both attempted suicide. Yes, I have, and if my parents didn't interrupt me to tell me I had a phone call I probably would have been successful. I'm not going to be ashamed of it. It's part of my life story and it also is a measure of how far I can fall into the troth of despair and what I need to do to stay out of it. My dark night of the soul as some spiritual folks like to call it. Catholics, too.
This is a really difficult time for many people, especially people with depression. I don't have the kind of depression where I fall into drugs and alcohol to escape my 'troth of despair.' Most of the time my depression is the loss of motivation to do anything. The loss of passion for all the things that used to give me joy. When I am deep in my depression, my meds don't even help, and nothing can give me joy. The last few years have been a challenge for my mood and mental health. Recovering from a back injury, losing a job, getting a new job, breaking up, losing a friend, losing my mother, and now a pandemic. It's a lot. And, it's a lot for mentally healthy people, you can only imagine the amount of mental fortitude it has taken to get me out of bed everyday and not want to kill myself. I am fine. Don't send the Sheriff to do a wellness check on me. After many difficult experiences in my life I have always been able to recover and be better for it.
The loss of my mother and everything else going on in my life has me feeling like it's me against the world. I know that I will make it through the struggle. I have all the resources I need to get past this really long depressive episode. To be honest, I feel really fucking sad. All. The. Time. But, you know what? It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel scared and stuck and hopeless. However, feelings, change constantly like the clouds in the sky. I know that my sadness inevitably will pass. I had someone tell me once, I'm not worried about you Vangie, you will be fine. Yeah, sure, I will be.
My friend, Robert shared the inspirational speech from the movie "Rocky Balboa," where he tells his son, "it's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can take the hits and keep on going." Life has a really killer left hook. I feel like the punches just get harder and harder. People see me in the community and see my smile and how charming and engaging I can be with strangers. I don't look like someone who has anything to be sad about. There's memes that go around saying: we're not sure what battles people are fighting inside of them. So, try to be kind. Most of the time I'm able to push it all down and get busy living life. Stay productive and all that jazz. I didn't have it in me this time around. So, instead of being productive I decided to take a break. To pull back from my public life and go back to just focusing on me. "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me."
Don't be ashamed if your struggle with mental health issues. You are not alone in it. There are millions of American, 1 in 4 who have some mental health diagnosis. Seek help. Reach out to friends and family and if you can't than friends and family please reach out to your people who you know are having a hard time. "Love in the Time of Social Distancing," for sure will be a title of a book some day, soon.
Repeat after me:
I am lovable.
I am whole and complete.
I am worthy of love.
I am enough.
Namaste.
#pandemic2020 #refreshandreboot #washyohands #stayhome #selfisolationconfessions