Updated: Mar 6, 2021
Life is Always Lived Forwards: Log Day 02232021
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” — Søren Kierkegaard
Søren Kierkegaard (1813—1855)
"Kierkegaard is an outsider in the history of philosophy. His peculiar authorship comprises a baffling array of different narrative points of view and disciplinary subject matter, including aesthetic novels, works of psychology and Christian dogmatics, satirical prefaces, philosophical “scraps” and “postscripts,” literary reviews, edifying discourses, Christian polemics, and retrospective self-interpretations. His arsenal of rhetoric includes irony, satire, parody, humor, polemic and a dialectical method of “indirect communication” – all designed to deepen the reader’s subjective passionate engagement with ultimate existential issues. Like his role models Socrates and Christ, Kierkegaard takes how one lives one’s life to be the prime criterion of being in the truth." (Source: https://iep.utm.edu/kierkega/)
I heard this quote in my mid-twenties and thought it was a profound quote, so it has always stuck with me. I'm turning 47 this year and this quote hits much differently than it did when I was 25. Because, now, I get to experience the choices that I made twenty-two years ago. One of Kierkegaard's many philosophies was that no matter what choices people make there will always be some regret and that no human is ever fully content, at any point in their life. He also created the word "angst." He wrote a lot about anxiety and that there's really no true meaning in life and that we just give it up to go and have "leaps of faith." That's my brief interpretation of Kierkegaard. I guess he spoke to me as a young person because I was undeniably full of angsty existentialism trying to figure out what I was doing with my life or what I should be doing if I was even living my life right. Are we ever? Now that I am no longer an angsty twenty-something I can look back on my life and confirm that Kierkegaard was right. In retrospect sure I would do some (maybe many) things differently and the outcomes would be probably more beneficial for Vangie of today, however how would I know that back then?
We are constantly trying to make the wisest choices for ourselves, but those choices are either based on our own personal misfortunes or others. As human beings we are fallible and imperfect because we are human beings. Do I have some positive words of wisdom? All I have is the only person's opinion you should care about on how you're living your life is yours. You're the only person that knows what your wants, needs, and desires are. You wake up with yourself and fall asleep with yourself and you get to decide every single day how you get to where you need to go. What actions you need to take to get there. At the end of the day you live with your choices good, bad, or indifferent. As long as you do it with love, patients, kindness, and grace. Be kind to yourself, always.
Lent Day 5 | Covidtime Log Day 02222021
I have been around the block a few times. In dating and in life in general.
When I was 33 I had trained to run a marathon. I look at a lot of things I take on in my life as a metaphor. Life isn't a sprint but a marathon and most people if you are physically able can run a marathon. I ran track in high school, but I hated running so I stuck to the high jump (I'm 5'4") and threw shotput and discus (I coulda went to state). Yes, I did. I've played sports my whole life, but running is the worst exercise a person can inflict on themselves. I also have depression, I've managed it my whole life, I also have anxiety and it's expressed through my OCD. Let's just put it all out there. Once I focus on a task I have to follow it through even to my own detriment.
You can run a marathon if you are physically able what stops most people is, "what normal human being would do that to themselves?" Plus, it's all mental. I think it was a four month program, where we started with a mile and then finished by running 25 miles. They said if you can run 25 you can run 26.2 miles. I got to a point where I would run 10 to 18 miles on the weekend and run 3 mile maintenance runs during the week. Runners know what a significant amount of time goes into running and training to run in half or full marathon. It's a huge commitment of time and effort. People who run truly love running. I personally would not wish marathon training on my worse enemy. I did it because it helped me to focus on something other than my depression and it forced me to get out of bed at 7am in the morning to go running. When I plan to do something it's always gonna be extra. I wasn't going to run any old marathon, I ran in the 27th Florence Marathon in Italy. And, I did complete it.
I don't run anymore because of my back injury, so now I play golf. But, I put in just as much effort and focus into golf as I do anything in my life. Why did I tell you all of this? The brain is amazing. It is possible to rewire your brain to relearn new things but it also replays old recordings and old memories. As if it just happened even though it might have happened 20 years ago. Sometimes, we respond to what is happening to us today because of what happened to us 20 years ago.
Don't make new people in your life pay for the hurt and harm that people in the past inflicted on you. We bring old baggage into new relationships and automatically project all our fear on the new person. Thinking they are going to hurt us the same way we were hurt in the past. If we learn from our mistakes that we made in past relationships we will not bring them into the new one. We will not make the same mistakes but just different ones. We will see the red flags, and choose different people. We will choose ourselves instead of sacrificing ourselves to keep the peace. We will not dull our shine so someone else can feel good about themselves. We will walk away if we do see our partner being shady or sneaky or abusive. But, before all of that, give the person a chance. Let them make their own mistakes and not carry the burden of your past heartbreaks. If we do that they will always fail. But, you gotta first give yourself and them a fighting chance.
Be good. Take care. Be well.
“No act of virtue can be great if it is not followed by advantage for others. So, no matter how much time you spend fasting, no matter how much you sleep on a hard floor and eat ashes and sigh continually, if you do no good to others, you do nothing great.”
― St. John Chrysostom
"John Chrysostom (c. 347–407, Greek: Ἰωάννης ὁ Χρυσόστομος), Archbishop of Constantinople, was an important Early Church Father. He is known for his eloquence in preaching and public speaking, his denunciation of abuse of authority by both ecclesiastical and political leaders, the Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom, and his ascetic sensibilities. After his death in 407 (or, according to some sources, during his life) he was given the Greek epithet chrysostomos, meaning "golden mouthed", in English and Anglicized to Chrysostom." (Source: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4589154.John_Chrysostom)
I was raised Catholic, however throughout the years my faith has changed many different times and in many different ways. What I have found that works for me is my faith in being a good, kind, and compassionate servant to people. If there's a G-d, she'd want us to do all the things to make the world a better place. Even through all the BS. A lot of the Bible stories I like are one's that are about being different. Even in the face of adversity if you feel that what you are doing is right, even if people disapprove of it, and it's not harming anyone, keep doing it. In the end you're the one that has to live with yourself and your decisions. Good, bad, or whatever.
My ex, who's a Pastor of two churches would tell me, "You create your own Heaven and Hell. You don't have to wait for the afterlife to experience it. We are experiencing it every single day." I might be paraphrasing, but that's the jest of it. Being someone who manages my mental health, I've lived in a Hell I've created in my mind. Many of us do.
Lent allows me to reboot. To let go of something that no longer serves me, and allow space for good things to replace the bad. With some folx in Rochester we started a Mutual Aid Network. For the next 40 days of Lent I'll share with y'all people & groups in the community we can support. Neighbors helping neighbors. And that's a good thing.
We are made of gold stardust and we will return to gold stardust.
Be well. Stay safe. Take care.