Flannel Covidtime Diaries: Dating Apps & Leveling Up
#Covidtime Log Day 02152021:
I've taken a pause from the dating, but have started to consider getting back on the dating app horse. Is that even a good metaphor? Probably not but we'll go with it. What I have recently discovered in my middle-agedness is that every time I date someone and it doesn't work out my standards elevate. I don't really need to be in a relationship because I am a completely whole and loveable being on my own. I do enjoy the company of women, and relationships do have lots of health benefits. I have always enjoyed being a partner to someone and I'm quite good company. You can ask any of my friends. You can ask most of my exes and they'd tell you, I was a really good girlfriend until I wasn't. Usually when we're heading towards a breakup and then I'm just a selfish prick. I can totally own that and admit that breakups are hard. Is there a good way to break a person's heart? Probably not, but I think just being honest and hurting them quickly it's neither painless or ideal but probably the most compassionate way to go.
I feel like anything involving other people and their feelings is just a difficult minefield to navigate. I've had relationships/situationships flip so quickly I didn't know which way was up sometimes and probably had been dumped or ghosted before I even had my first cup of coffee. Woow. Let's take a breath.
I know who I am, I know what I want, and I won't settle for just anyone or any relationship. Saying all that my problem isn't finding people to date. Finding the right person for me to date has been the quest of a lifetime. I know she's out there. Hiding, obviously.
As one of my friends told me I've aged really well, and that she thinks I'm a much better version of myself today than I was a year ago. I was kind of having a nervous breakdown a year ago. Not my best look. Nevertheless, things have to be destroyed for there to be space to build something new. Something better.
As I grow older I start to settle more into the person I am becoming. I have less patients for foolishness. For other people's emotional trauma they ignore or refuse to work on. I got my own stuff I'm trying to heal. Do not expect me to be your savior or your healer. I'm not a Dungeons & Dragons Wizard. You are your own savior. You are your own healer. If there is someone out there who is willing to confront their own demons and can say, "is that all you got?" I want to meet you. I am an amazing person. If you want me to show you love. If you want me to cherish you, adore you, and choose you everyday, you better bring it. Because if you don't the Universe has a funny way of removing people from your life who arn't deserving of you or your time.
I'm done messing around with trifling people. If people can't meet you where you are than those aren't your people. Just saying.
Dating apps. I'll think about it tomorrow.
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