Infograph credit: Butch Wonders at butchwonders.com
Here we go.
I, Cumberbund Vanderbutch, has embarked on the noble task of putting a website together dedicated to the stunning, confident, unconventional masculine presenting women, gender queers, and gender non-conforming folks. Sex (what's on my birth certificate), gender (what roles I'm playing in society), and sexuality (who we desire, love, sleep with) are three separate categories. When we mash all those three categories together it confuses everything and everyone. If you're born with a penis, you are male, and should be heterosexual (attracted to females). If you're born with a vagina, you are female, and heterosexual (attracted to males). However, that is super suffocating and gender identity is fluid and isn't always attached to what is on your birth certificate or who you want to f#@k. I may be categorized as a butch lesbian, but when it comes down to it I'm just Cumberbund Vanderbutch and I will present how I choose to present in the world, sorry, not sorry if that freaks some folks out.
I was having a conversation with some friends about how often people call me sir, and how I've been trying to understand what it means to be a butch lesbian in 2016. It's different, but the same as it was when I cam out in the 90s. Back then I was trying to figure myself out, trying to understand what my look and style should be. Should it be: flannel shirts, mullets, and wallet chains (not knocking it down)? I sort of had a mullet when I was 13, but that's debatable. I do wear a lot of flannel and I did have a wallet chain in the 90s. You try on a lesbian uniform realize it's not your bag and you move on to something else.
I grew up in Northern California, specifically the Bay Area. I started going out clubbing at 17, and saw the multitude of styles and ways of being and identifying in the LGBTQ community. I've always had kind of long hair growing up, except that time I had the home-haircut bob in the 2nd grade, and the weird perm my whole family got when I was 11, but other than that I had long hair until my twenties. Dresses, and pencil skirts were never my thang. When my mother would buy me dresses to wear I tolerated them for her, but inside I hated it. I did like them on other people. They looked great on other people. I was more of a fan of my brother's hand-me-downs. It wasn't till I cut my hair short that I started to really figure out my style and how I wanted to present myself to the world. It wasn't some grand political statement I was making against patriarchy or supporting patriarchy by identifying as a butch lesbian. I just felt more comfortable in jeans, t-shirts and button ups. It was really that simple.
I think butch lesbians get this bad rap, as if were scary or something (maybe some, not all). Some things I've heard about butch lesbians:
It also seems butchey lesbians like lists. No, not necessarily. Just me. Well, most everyone likes lists, it's cleaner and easier to remember things that way.
There's this article I thought was really interesting, because now that I live in this big small town in the mid-west I rarely if ever see butch/genderqueer/masculine presenting women bopping around town. It would be cool if there were more, I think we are super cool. I'm biased. I tell my friends in the Bay that I am a unicorn here in my big small town. A butch brown unicorn. Here's the article: "Where have all the butches gone?
This website blog is a platform for satire/truelife/nuggets-of-wisdom amalgamation of experiences all wrapped up in a pretty gender-neutral colored bow. Enjoy!
If you have anything you have to add to the conversation, or any questions, please don't hesitate to comment below!
1. Researchers from University of Warwick and Dartmouth College discovered that happiness supposedly follows a U shaped curve. Our happiness is higher towards the beginning and towards the end of our lives. Whhhaaattt? That mid-life thing is supposed to be a myth, however this data proves that when we are in our 40's we're less happy. Now I just have to wait out the bottoming of my happiness U. My upswing will begin when I'm 50. So, what am I supposed to do for the next 8 years?
2. Pride in the Twin Cities was this past weekend. That was fun. I realized that pride is for those who are willing to brave the heat, crowds, and weird public restroom adventures. There's more to that story, for another time. Let's just say it wasn't a good adventure.
3. My partner doesn't think the words "pretty bracelet" should come out of my mouth, in reference to myself wearing a pretty bracelet. Why can't I wear a pretty bracelet? I can wear a pretty bracelet. Mostly I was referring to my new watch, that looked like a pretty bracelet. Its watch face is much smaller than my other watches. There's that.
4. I found the best tasting gummy bears. They are made by Happy Yummies. How can you go wrong with that? They are actually called "World's Best Tasting Gummies." If you do find them and get a chance to try them, let me know what you think in the comment section below.
5. Sometimes Cumberbund Vanderbutch has some "poor me, poor me" days and then the next day I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with having bad days. Because, when you have a good day, you'll know the difference; hopefully, you'll know you're having a better day than yesterday.
I was reading an article "18 Celebs Get Real About Not Getting Married," and it got me to thinking about my own issues with marriage. As a Renaissance butch, who believes in old school chivalry (not the oppressive keep the woman captive chivalry). I'm also a very staunch feminist, so it seems a little counter intuitive to seek equal partnership and some form of old school butch thrown in, too. The whole fairy tale story prince and princess bit, really ruined if for girls and boys. Girls need to be saved and boys need to save the girls, it's kind of a big responsibility to fulfill those two very limited roles. I think it's best we create our own fairy tales and not be victims or saviors, but just maybe be our own heroes, or sheroes to each other.
Like the picture says, "Don't look for a princess in need of saving. Search for a Queen willing to fight by your side." I'm more than happy to fight dragons, climb thousands of stairs, and give kisses that break evil curses. I also need the woman I'm going to spend my life with to do the same, for me. Is it out there? Is it possible for a butch lesbian to not fall into the role of being the one to hold doors open, and ruin my jacket to cover up mud puddles? Who does that?
I may have a very twisted idea of what relationships are supposed to look like. I'm still trying to break the idea that I'm supposed to always be the strong and stable one, that fixes everything. I'm pretty good in that role, but it's kind of exhausting. There has to be a healthy balance, right?
Getting back to the fear of marriage thing. I'm going to blame my father, even though I'm in my midlife (early 40s) I still feel it's so deeply embedded in me, it doesn't matter how much rooting around my therapist tries to dig it out, it wants to stay buried in me. The only time it comes out is when the topic comes up and I freak the fuck out. I know this isn't just me. There has to be others out there who aren't all on the gay marriage band wagon. I like cake, and I'll eat it whenever I want, I don't need a wedding to eat cake. I know. I know. It's not about the cake. It's about the girl.
Here are my top five reasons for not getting married:
1. Financially it would not be beneficial to become legally bonded to another. I'll have to pay too much in taxes. Nope.
2. Why would I need a piece of paper to tell me I'm committed to a person? I just decide that I am and that's it.
3. I think people get confused between a wedding and a marriage. I'm skipping the wedding and straight to just being in a committed relationship without the catering and large wedding bills; that's very European.
4. I've already had one failed engagement. Which I'm not sure how I even talked myself into that one.
5. Marriage doesn't mean to me what it means to everyone else. I just can't explain what it is, it just is.